Own it! You're responsible anyway!

How we look on the outside, the masks we wear, the projections we make, the chaos or ease we create, are a reflection of the inner Universe. We are the master creators of our own lives, and until we own that, we will call it fate. I have been around self help, nlp since I was 18 and mom got me involved in an mlm company. Gotta admit Kiyosaky f'ed my perspectives a little bit and soon after reading it, and discovering real life is not like his rich schemes I decided I'm gonna be poor, since I had no money to buy rentals, nor no bank would give credit to a 19yo with 0 work experience, and because I was trained to see only what was in front of me, at that point mixed with my addictions, I couldn't see further than next week. In 2018 I was working with 25 models and I was training them and I had to establish authority and also be able to communicate with all of them in a productive way. I did start to read some of the books I had, but I applied only what I was projecting on them, not on what I actually was hiding under the "rug". I started coping without noticing it. I even blamed my thyroid and when I checked it it was all fine. I blamed the pcos, which I only made worse for eating garbage. When I faced the reality of my calories, I did turn a blind eye, because it's easier to numb than to confront, and called it self care.

In 2021 I felt pain and relief... my parents decided to cut off contact with me because of their religious beliefs so I felt abandoned but also motivated by reaction to build my empire. It only crumbled because it was not built out of clarity, it was built out of rage, to show I am worthy, but also out of "I don't have to hide what I do anymore because I don't have to not upset them anymore". Somehow the burden of being the kid who doesn't bother the adults chocked me until I was 30. Lost a huge chunk of money, hired only basket cases, got myself in the worst physical and mental condition - while in therapy. You can go to therapy and still not fix anything if you just rehearse the pain. In 2022 I closed the business admitting defeat. It was hard but I finally stood up for myself and said no more. I was already confronting my coping mechanisms and addictions (food, alcohol, cigs), so when I was told the markers for autoimmune are positive, I had weird allergies nobody could explain, boils on legs, buttocks and breasts, bloated and chronic gut pain, sever pcos - I was prescribed opioids for period days, my sleep patters were odd, my nervous system dysregulated, I was waiting for someone to come and save me, panic attacks, barely mobile, it only made it feel like a backslide.

I also figured out I had ADHD and at first I was happy I had a name for my patterns, understood that ultra processed foods, and self medication makes it worse, and I stood under it's protective umbrella for a while, until I decided I can't let it control me. I took some plant based pills to allow it to go silent for a while. I was scared at first "what if all my creativity, all my energy, all my identity" will disappear? That is how much power I gave to the chaos in my life. One psychiatrist told me she could prescribe me the proper chemical medication if I wanted, but she also mentioned she would rather have me retrain my brain on my own, since I was functional. That bit of faith from the doctor opened up my curiosity and I started a new journey of working with the ADHD as if it was a tool, not a mistake. I stopped making excuses, faced the patterns, understood creative periods and rest periods, honored them, showed up, made myself clean my space, made myself finish projects, made my mind shut up. I took those plant medications for 2 months in 2022, understood how it's like to have silence in the mind, and went on a pursuit of naturally achieving it, as I had a lot of soul healing to do before I could achieve silence. Today I was reading and the words were not wording because my brain took a hike, I said "Hey! Shut up and sit down!" and I was able to focus and words were wording again. I've had a rough childhood with happy spots here and there.

I played this game called life with the cards I was dealt, until I understood I can ask for new cards and build something new.

Realizing I have 4 years left to get my life back before diabetes takes it and runs with it(diabetes on my mom's line for 3 generations and I had gestational diabetes). That is when I started to ask myself questions, I went to doctors until I figured out my health situation. It's more than a year since I haven't taken not even the mildest pain killer for my periods, my autoimmune- for which just the markers were positive but I didn't have any specific symptom- went in remission by itself, my gut pain and sever bloating, gone, my insulin levels in good margins. I did have times in which I was discouraged because the more I was looking for answers, the more issues I encountered. Had plenty of ups and downs and I learned to feel them and not numb them. I stopped eating for comfort, I stopped drinking, I stopped smoking. There are moments in which you don't know what to do with the feeling. Talking about the situation only perpetuates it, so the only solution is to surrender, feel it and let it go. I wrote all of this to give a little context. I am not blaming anyone anymore. My parents did the best the could, they had it even rougher than I had. Things happened, they did hurt, but they don't own me anymore.

I decided in 2022 I am going to be responsible of my own healing and accountable for it. I still uncover bits of my past that translate into the present, but I acknowledge them, and don't allow them to take over anymore. I am not afraid anymore. I write all this because I know I am not the only one looking for healing and if I can bring a little bit of light on your path, I am more than willing to share what I learn and what works. I am not here to bond on trauma. I am here to see your story, and raise the questions you need to face in order to take control over your life, mind and soul, in order to heal your wounded inner child and in order to integrate your shadow.

The things that happened to you, don't define you. You are responsible for the now!